Nothing to loose
My dear Diary,
Today, as usual was an awful day, I know I always write in here with the same feelings and the same words but nothing changes, diary you know me better than anyone and you also know that everyday I wake up with the same routine of life and how I wish for a better day. I keep telling myself that nothing will go wrong, and that everything would be just “perfect.” Unfortunately life doesn’t always go my way, the way that I always want it to go. To be realistic that’s the fairytale life that I wished I lived in, a place where I didn’t have to fear people or life itself. Don’t we all wish that sometimes when things go terribly wrong and you just want to scream and pull your hair out? That’s how I feel all the time, not sometimes, all the time. I live in a world where I am not happy, where I can’t be myself at all. What kind of place is this; It’s a place where we all live-Earth -reality. Moms new boyfriend Chester is turning her against me, she says it’s because he loves her and doesn’t want all her attention going to just me, she finds any excuse to save him. But deep down she loves me and protects me. I wish daddy were here to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay and I didn’t have to fear. But he’s gone now and all I can ever do is wish, wish for him to be here. Diary I have to go now its getting late, I would have written more but I came home late again I missed the bus, I told the driver to wait for me but as usual she didn’t care either. So mom got mad and told me I was punished and had to stay in the kitchen all day until she said so. Later on after dinner Chester came home drunk again, and started cursing at mom, so once again they were at it as usual. Seems like he only does it during dinnertime when everything is suppose to be calm and quiet. I really have to go now, mom will see my light on and yell some more, good night diary.
I turned around to look at the clock it was almost midnight I had to get some sleep. I couldn’t bear to have Mr. O’Donnell yell at me again for sleeping in class and embarrassing me once again. It’s so awful when he does that, kids just start laughing and teasing me like I'm at fault for all of this happening to me. They don’t know what’s really going on in my life or what I have to deal with all the time. When its not school and the teachers and kids nagging at me its at home where I have to hear it all, and fear it all. Maybe sleeping will put my mind at ease and rest. I keep tossing and turning and I can’t seem to get any sleep, I just keep staring at the wooden blocks along my wall that spells each letter of my name, H-I-L-L-A-R-Y. Every time I look at it reminds me of daddy, he carved it out for me one day when I was about 10 years old, he would always tell me the story of how I was born and why he named me Hillary, he says when I was born I didn’t cry like normal babies, I came out with a smile and cheerful, so he wanted a name that matched my smile. The more I thought about daddy the less I became tired, I just thought about the happy thoughts, you know when him and mommy were together and happy, and the nights where I didn’t have trouble sleeping. Those were the good nights. Now all I hear are yelling and cursing outside my door, I want to go out there and just yell at them and tell them to shut up, but that would be rude and mommy would ground me again. Maybe if I close my eyes real tight and try to block out everything I may be able to get some sleep.
It was morning and I was up and ready for school, with the same feeling again, but this time it was different, like a different kind of feeling something different, maybe it was nothing I just can’t figure out what exactly. Before I could figure out what I was feeling mom yelled out for me in her angry voice “Hillary Anne!” She yelled.
“If you miss the bus again there will not be any punishments I’m just going to give you a straight beat down that you will never forget, you hear me”
I nodded my head and said, ”Yes mama.”
“Now go on, your little friend waiting for you, now remember what I said.”
As I walked outside of my house there she was, my best friend Kyra, she was the one that was always there for me. From the time the school bully Shay beat me up for bumping into her in the girls bathroom. That’s how I met Kyra she heard all this yelling in the bathroom and beat down the door until it was finally open and saved me. Kyra was always fierce and said what came to her mind, she didn’t care what people thought of her. When someone talked down to me or about me she was always there to defend me, not to mention she was there when daddy left mommy. When he left it felt like a knife through my heart, Kyra was there. She was there then, and she’s here now.
“You alright?” Kyra asked in her happy morning voice, I still don’t understand why she’s so happy in the morning, it’s like she loves school or something.
“Yea I’m fine, just tired didn’t sleep much, mom and her boyfriend were at it again.” That was the truth, but not the whole truth.” I thought of him again, I was looking at the wall and it was as if he were there, but for real.” Kyra, she just looked at me and nodded her head, she probably thought I was psycho and imagined things. “I mean Kyra, it’s not like he’s dead or anything, he’s pretty much alive…..I think, but besides the point -.” Before I could finish up my speech Kyra stumps in front of me and starts shaking and yelling at me “ STOP! Ok your dad is not here, he is not coming back, and do you remember that night that he left, and what he said and how he said it? Get over yourself and forget about him, he left you and your mom for good! “ I just looked at her and tears started rolling down faster and faster, I tried to stop but I couldn’t, all I could do was look at her and nod my head and hug her.
When we got to school, as usual it was the same routine as every day; we’d stand in line and wait to get in the building while our bags and body were checked for drugs, or weapons. While I stood there waiting for my turn I thought about what Kyra had said, about daddy not coming back and how he meant what he said, she was right. The night he left he took one look at me and bent down and wiped the tears that rolled down and said in a soft whispering voice “I’m leaving and I’m not coming back, if you want me you have to come and find me I’m never coming back to this hell hole.” And that was it he was gone and never called or came back, I wonder all the time where he might be or if he’s even still alive, its been three years now, and three whole birthdays went by, he still didn’t call. He probably moved on and has a new family; you know those families that you always see on TV, the happy family. At times I feel like going after him, and other times I just feel like brushing it off and just moving on, but as always it’s easier said then done.
“Great, my lockers’ jammed again! Kyra can you help me, this stupid thing- I need a new locker every year I always get stuck with the broken ones.” As Kyra tugged and tugged at the locker, I took a look in her locker it smelled good, then again Kyra always smelled good too, but it wasn’t her usual peach sapphire that she always wears, it smelled like that new fragrance warm vanilla sugar from bath and body works. Ah it smelled so good and delicious, I was licking my lips and imagining the taste of vanilla ice cream- even though it had nothing to do with ice cream.
“ What are you doing?” Kyra said looking at me with smirk.
“Oh, nothing.” I said shyly. “I was just smelling your locker it smells good what is it?” Kyra looked at me and giggled her flirty giggle; you know that giggle that girls usually do when they are flirting and boys like it.
“You know that new kid Shawn in our third and fourth period class, well he gave me a note and sprayed some of his sisters mist on it. Doesn’t it smell yummy?” Shawn, the one in our classes, I was confused Kyra usually doesn’t like boys staring at her. She says it creeps her out, even though she doesn’t understand why when she was suppose to be attracted to them and not creped out by them.
“I thought you were creped out by boys, even if they were cute. And didn’t you say you didn’t like them staring?”
“I know, but he’s been looking at me since he’s been here and at first yea it was creepy and annoying but one day he said something nice to me in the hall and it made me I don’t know-blush. And I felt all flowery inside and we talked and then this morning he gave me a note saying he wants to hang out.”
I thought we were hanging out tonight, you know like every Friday night.”
“Crap! I forgot that tonight was Friday maybe tomorrow night?”
“I can’t. I got to go to class I’ll see you at lunch.”
Great that kid Shawn ruined everything for me, now I can’t even hang out with my best friend like normal. Who does he think he is coming in here and ruling people like he’s the king or something.
When I got to lunch, as usual Kyra and I sat at the same lunch table and pretty much just sat there and talked about everything and everyone. Except for today, all she wanted was to talk about Shawn. How Shawn was going to try out for the football team and how he wanted her to try out for the cheerleading team and be at all of his games, and blah, blah, blah.
I looked at Kyra, “Wait, you a cheerleader?”
“What, you don’t think I would make it?”
“No, it’s not that, it’s just that you always complain about how the cheerleaders are always snobby and what not, and now I don’t know, you want to be one of them.”
I knew I shouldn’t have said anything, just made things more intense for us.
“So you don’t think I am good enough to be a cheerleader? Or is it that you think that I would leave you out of the picture when I become a cheerleader?” In words Kyra was trying to say that I was jealous and only wanted her for myself. Which actually was not true at all, so not! I can’t even believe she would think that let alone say that- unless she was actually going to do it. As I got up from the table I just looked at her, “I can’t believe that you would think that I would be jealous of you being something, or doing something. I don’t own you, you can do whatever you want to do!” By then lunch was over and I just ran to my next class, I felt as if not only did I loose my family, but I’m starting to lose my best friend. We have never fought before, and this was all because of some new boy that came to our school. That no good creep, trying to steal my best friend away from me.
I got to my next class, which I had with Kyra, she didn’t even look at me when she came in, as if I was invisible or something. I wish I hadn’t woken up today or not even came to school if I knew this was going to happen. You know that feeling that you get when you are being left out of something and it seems like you are the only one that notices it, well that’s how I feel right now. First my dad leaving my mother and me, then my mom comes up with this new boyfriend of hers, which in reality he’s just there for the food, shelter and of course the casual sex that him and mom have on the dinner table. I know this because one night I woke up really hungry and was walking down stairs and I heard all of this moving around and screaming, lord knows I thought someone was breaking into the house, and that’s when I saw mamma on top of Chester with her boobs all out and bouncing on top like she was a frog. I’ve seen movies and read books about sex, and we do learn about it at school, but I never actually seen someone having sex right there in my face; I actually felt something between my legs and if it were anyone else I would have stayed and watched, but eww that was my mother and ugly drunk Chester having sex on the dinner table that we eat and pray on, how disgusting was that to top everything off I am now loosing my best friend to some guy that she just met and the cheer squad. I hope she makes it I really do, that is if she is trying out for herself and not Shawn.
All rights belong to its author. It was published on e-Stories.org by demand of Dayana Marinho.
Published on e-Stories.org on 15.07.2011.